I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
