So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
