Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
pray to the hookup gods
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
