he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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