i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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