There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
