I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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