just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
