woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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