I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
