No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
