I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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