I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
