why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
