I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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