She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
