we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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