While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
