I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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