so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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