If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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