Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
