after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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