So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
