Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
