You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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