It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
