carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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