There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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