I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
