the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
