im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
FUCK WHALES
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