Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
