I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
