And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
