So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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