god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
