I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We are two peas in an std pod
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
