All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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