I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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