Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
