i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
