Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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