Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I didn't notice because vodka
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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