my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
