Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
