i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
