Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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