He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
