we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
handjob tips. give me some.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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