Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
