you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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